I got some feedback from one of my coaching clients that the last post about personality wasn’t entirely clear. Let’s see if I can elaborate on yesterday’s post. Simply, I’m suggesting that when we have an intuition about something someone else says to us, we make that plain to the other person–not in a judging or “I’ve got the answer” way, but in an “I’m noticing that I’m thinking about this” kind of way.

If I keep thinking about my mother when you are telling me a story of your success with your cooking class, this may mean no more than I’m remembering what a terrible cook my mother was. Or it may mean something entirely different to you, that relates to your story. If I say, “That reminds me that my mother was a bad cook,” we may take the conversation off to my mother. This is not what I’m suggesting by putting more of your personality into coaching. What I am suggesting is that I say something like, “I keep thinking about my mother as you are telling me this story. Do you see any connection to mothers in your story, or maternal behavior, or any connection you have?” Then we have the chance to explore what might be a fruitful direction. Or not. If you look at me as if I’ve just spoken Swahili, well then maybe my mother has nothing to do with this and I’m distracted.

But these links can be important and we can’t explore them unless the coach makes explicit what is going on in her head, or in her body. If I get a headache listening to your story about a work situation, maybe there is more tension for you than you are revealing, or than you are aware is there for you. I think you are beginning to get the idea.

I’m taking a writing class as I do periodically. I’m looking to get feedback in two areas. Most of my published writing has been fairly impersonal, and I’d like to write a more personal piece. The other reason is that I like to get feedback from other published writers/instructors about my work. This week we talked about putting more of ourselves into our writing—not our deep, dark secrets, necessarily–but our personality. I thought immediately that I wanted to write something about this for you.

As a coach it is important to give my full attention to you, to hear what you have to tell me, and not to impose my own views, or opinions on you. It is also important to be transparent. Transparency is a word and concept that seems to be way overused in business these days (in my opinion). What I mean by it here is that I owe you as partner in our coaching the courtesy of speaking my truth. So if something keeps occurring to me as you are speaking, I have the obligation to notice it out loud. If, for instance, you are telling me a story of how your boss does not give you her full attention, and you would like to learn how to solicit that attention respectfully, I may hear a story of my own experience with a former boss, or I may have an intuition about your other relationships. In order to be your best coach, I think I should notice out loud that my own situation keeps coming up and I tell you about it, not to impose it, but to see if there is anything helpful to you in there. Or I ask you about your relationship with you son, or your best friend—which might seem to come out of nowhere. This is putting my personality into our coaching.

The more of your personality you put into our relationship, the better we can SEE each other and therefore can co-create something that really works for you.

1. I love to hear a new or potential client’s story. Our stories are powerful, vivid, and give shape to who we have been, who we are, and who we want to become. When I hear these stories, I feel like I have been given a precious gift.

2. When I am coaching, I am reminded of both the fragility and the strength of all of our selves. I don’t mean by this that we are delicate, but that we are changing all the time and that our fragility relates to who we are in any given moment. At the same time, we are all strong beyond our own understanding. Each of us has places where we stand up for what is important to us, where we give more than what we are required to give, and where we remain true to unpopular people and ideas.

3. When I am coaching, I see my own vulnerability more clearly than I can at many other times. I see the importance of being present for another, and of being present to my own experience of that other. I also see my tendency to be judgmental, advice-giving, and a know-it-all, and I am humbled by these tendencies. My awareness sometimes prevents the voicing of judgment, advice, or pronouncements, but not always.

4. When I am coaching, I see how hard it is to change. I see how hard it is to change myself, and therefore, how hard it must be for any other person to change.

5. When I am coaching, I wonder at client’s courage to start something new at 20, or 50 or 70! I am joy-filled when I hear them describe dancing, or painting, or learning to risk a relationship for the first time.

6. After I have coached, I feel better about the world and myself.

7. After I have coached, I see possibilities that I have not seen before, and I see people in the street or in the next office with new and more appreciative eyes.

8. Coaching helps me to pay more attention to my adult daughters, my grandchildren, my husband, and my friends for I know just how wonderful they are, and I also know how tolerant they are of my foibles and shortcomings.

9. Coaching has brought me to writing, to meditation, and to singing, in an effort to be a better coach.

10. Ten is an arbitrary and and somewhat contrived place to finish. So at ten I end for now with the observation that there are very few coaches I admire. This may be because I believe clients deserve better than what I and others currently provide, and that I, for one, want to provide coaching that helps clients see their own possibilities with greater clarity, and their own paths to these possibilities with enthusiasm and commitment.

Peer-reviewed Presentations and Papers

S.L. Orem, W.B. Pearce, and others.
Presentation, Western States Communication Association, February, 2006. Paper published in conference proceedings.

S.L. Orem, J. Binkert, and A. Clancy,
Presentation, Research Symposium, International Coach Federation Conference, November 2005. Paper published in conference proceedings.

S.L. Orem,
Poster session for Research Symposium, International Coach Federation Conference, November, 2004. Paper published in conference proceedings.

S.L. Orem,
Fifth Annual Transformative Learning Conference, Columbia Teachers College, New York, October, 2003. Paper published in conference proceedings.

S.L. Orem,
International Organization Development Network Conference, Montreal, October, 2002.

S.L. Orem and L. Demarest,
Association for Psychological Type International Conference, Orange County, 1993.

Other Publications

S.L. Orem,
Currently under contract with Jossey Bass, publication date February 2007.

S.L. Orem and L. Demarest,
Health Communications, 1994. English, Japanese and Spanish editions.