Things that bubble up

August 19th, 2008

Continuing on the theme of self-directed change (change that doesn’t come as a request or demand from someone else), how do I know I want to change? What is happening that I need to pay attention to?

I’ll give you two personal examples. Last Friday my husband and I went on a double date with one of my daughters and her partner. In the car on the way to the event we chose as our destination my daughter said that one of her sisters had inherited the worst of both of her parents–a lack of self-reflection from her dad (not my husband) and my anxieties. This was just one post-it, one data point on the way to change. If my anxiety is the “worst” of my traits according to one intimate observer, and it is also one that makes me suffer internally, then that is a thing that “bubbles up” as a possible change initiative.

The other example is a recent story I heard about my husband’s ex-wife. At first, I felt self-righteous about the story. I would never do what she did. Then I remembered that I had done the same or similar things. Then I felt envy. I wanted to do those same or similar things again. Then I wondered why this story was causing me so much pain. It had nothing to do with me!  I think the cause comes down to comparing myself to others, specifically comparing my insides (my desires, hopes, fantasies) with others’ outsides (what looks to me to be exciting, desirable, and fulfilling). This comparing is probably related to my anxiety, and is something I know I want to change.

What are you noticing about yourself that causes you to feel uncomfortable, or produces some niggling feeling that you are in some way less than you want to be–for yourself?

How do I know I’m ready?

August 14th, 2008

How do any of us know we’re ready to change? I’d bet that nine times out of ten it isn’t when somebody else wants us to change. I know that has been true for me! Yet I’d also bet that for most of your corporate or business life, others have thought that was a perfectly good motivator! Now that you’re somewhere near the transition that makes a bit more space in your life (kids leaving home for college or job, your own job that isn’t 24/7 anymore) perhaps there is a change you want to make. Maybe you want to grow a beard, learn to ride a bike, lose 20 pounds because you want to do it. I think that later in life this motivation for change comes from three places–passion, desire, or renewal. In the weeks to come I’ll be talking about each of these as motivator. For now, what changes would you like to make if you thought they would create energy, provide fun, and make you happy? We’ll also be talking about a method that does all three of these things.

Choosing a coach

August 11th, 2008

In my last post I told you that I’d embarked on a year-long change process. At first I thought I’d read so much and been a coach so long myself that I could change the three things I wanted to change (weight, relationship, and level of anxiety) on my own. But, after four months of promising my doctor that I’d lose five pounds with no progress, I decided to rethink this.

I belong to East Bay Coaches, the San Francisco Bay area chapter associated with the International Coach Federation. At the May meeting I sat next to Jamie Davidson. Now, I knew that Jamie was cheerful, charming, and whippet thin. I also knew that she had been the programming chair the year before which included the responsibility to bring food to the meetings. I knew she brought healthy food. I also knew she was a lifestyle coach. With the proverbial slap to my forehead, I thought, ask Jamie to help you with your weight! I did.

We agreed to talk the following week. She was a born strategist and an intuitive positive psychologist. I wanted to use only positive methods to change so she checked on this important requirement. We strategized about a vacation I was about to take. It was a cruise to Alaska from San Francisco. “Impossible!” you say to losing weight on a cruise ship. Well, you may be right. But I didn’t gain any. I saw that as a triumph.

Since the end of May I have lost 11 pounds. I feel better in my clothes. I have more energy. And I love working with Jamie. She always looks for my successes. She always celebrates my achievements. She has great ideas and suggestions, and is more than willing to listen and learn. She’s got nutrition credentials and when I need them, she offers good food advice. Mostly though, we don’t talk about food. We talk about life and how to live it well.

That’s my big goal as a transitioning Baby Boomer. To be happier. I’ve found that coaching can help.

2young2retire

August 11th, 2008

The title of this blog is not original and belongs to a wonderful coach and wise man, Howard Stone. I’m certified in his method of coaching. I used it here to bring a life stage to the forefront of both my blogging and my coaching.

Is 60 too old to change?

Not bloody likely, as my first husband might have said. I can’t imagine retiring from activities and work I love and continue to enjoy. However, at 60+ I’m ready to say no to a whole lot of things I have done out of duty or a need to earn money, or because my mother thought I should.

But am I too old to change?

I have embarked on a year long quest to significantly change three things that have been recurring for too many decades.

1. I want to lose 30 pounds. I’ve been up and down these 30 pounds for years. My photo albums and my closet attest to this.

2. I want to have a more peaceful and nurturing intimate relationship (with my husband). He’s not the first, and I really want him to be the last.

3. I want to reduce the knots in my shoulders, the knee jerk responses I give to people, and the discomfort I often feel in unfamiliar situations. In short, I’d like to reduce the general level of anxiety I feel.

In an effort to both hold myself accountable and make the journey more fun and creative, I’ve hired two coaches for 1 and 2 above. For the third, I want to increase my very spotty meditation practice to a daily practice. You’ll be hearing more about this journey, how I picked my coaches, and how my practice is going as the weeks and months go by.

Five Questions

August 9th, 2008

 

As I am now working on a new book project and using not one but two different coaches for the project, I’m particularly aware of the power of questions. It doesn’t really matter what your specific goals are in relation to these questions. the answers can be applied to your experiments and practices leading to success. Some questions that have been helpful to me are…

  • What are you doing in your life that you truly enjoy? It helps me to keep a journal. I know that some of you think that sounds much more like an obligation than fun. A scrap of of paper will do. Jot down three things you enjoy
  • What percentage of your time is devoted to the activities you truly enjoy? How much time you get to do the things you enjoy? My son in law is a beautiful golfer. He didn’t play at all when his son was a baby. Now he plays most Saturdays. Given a job that takes most of the other six days of the week, this is how he stays sane.
  • Since we all have obligations, and these obligations aren’t necessarily among the things you’d describe as truly enjoyable, how do you engage with those obligations to include colleagues you like, activities you’re good at, or time that you can limit so that you DO have time for the things you enjoy? Now jot down two or three obligations. How could you either make them more fun, or limit them?
  • Where is your list of your own talents and skills? Make a list of ten (at least) talents and skills. Keep this someplace where you can look at it, and look at it when the world doesn’t value your talents as much as it should.
  • For what or whom are you grateful (your cat, your relationship with friends, your boss, your children, a long run, a project carefully completed)? Make a list of ten things (at least) that you are  grateful for.  I am grateful for my friends and family, the view from my deck of San Francisco Bay, the pool in which I swim three times a week, my students.  Keep this list someplace where you can see it (next to your list of talents and skills?) so that when you are feeling particularly wronged or ungrateful you can remind yourself that there is much that is right in the world.

Happy list making!

Four coaching models

June 11th, 2008

All coaches work from a set of assumptions. We might describe these as the fruits of our experience, or the product of years of study and observation. Whether we are able to describe these assumptions clearly or not, they surely exist for all of us. It might be helpful for you as clients or consumers of coaching to know what the four main models or assumptions are and to know from which model I work. The four models are:

Clinical Model- The clinical model stems from psychological counseling and assists the client in changing self-perception and personality (as they relate to the coaching issue). The clinical model often gathers data about the client’s history and family, and can include more of the client’s experience than her work experience in order to progress toward goals. The clinical model fits well for clients wanting to explore a specific need or goal within the context of their whole life rather than just within their job or relationship. If an executive or management coach uses this model in an organization where the organization is paying for the coaching and expects periodic reports, the coach must clearly define boundaries about personal information and the organization must agree to these boundaries so that client/coach confidentiality is protected.

Behavioral Model- The behavioral model is an evolution of Pavlov’s and Skinner’s experiments and assists the client in changing problem behavior by role play, experimentation and self-observation. This model works exclusively with what the client does or doesn’t do and helps the client to act in different ways, to “act as if” he were the leader, singer, father, parent he wants to be. This model works well when the behavior change is fairly simple and the results of behavior change are fairly quickly discernible. A difficulty with this model might be that the client can change behavior with the coach’s support but cannot sustain that change after coaching has ended.

Systems Model- The systems model aligns individual parts to a whole system (an organization, family, or some larger, more complex entity) and assists the client in aligning her own personal vision with the vision of the larger entity (her company, for instance). This model positions the client in a larger context and acknowledges the forces over which the client may have little control. It allows the client and coach to assess the system as well as the parts of the system over which the client may have influence or control and tries to affect the system through these efforts. The systems approach works well for clients who want to understand the complexity of their situation (and feel some relief to know that an organization’s culture is bigger than their part in it) and can look toward long-term impact.

Social Constructionist Model- The social constructionist model stems from the belief that we humans make our own reality through the stories we are told and the stories we tell. This model assists the client by allowing him to tell his story and to align that story with the stories others tell in his organization or environment. This model also acknowledges an environment larger than the client and coach, and assists the client in discovering her unique story so that she can see if it is the truth for her or an outmoded story she has told out of habit. This model works well with clients who are looking for ways to change that are independent of fixing problems and dependent on emphasizing strengths and skills. The liability of this model may be that the story the client ultimately tells is out of sync with the stories told by others in his environment.

I work from a social constructionist model. I’m particularly interested in how you “story” yourself, that is, how you describe yourself and your situation. As I work also from a particular social constructionist model, appreciative inquiry, I also will look for the ways in which your story expresses self-appreciation and recognition. Many tell stories about themselves that are sourced in parents’, teachers’, or boss’ pronouncements about negative attributes. I look for ways to help clients tell more powerful and empowering stories about themselves. When client’s stories seem to be at odds with the story others around them tell (and this happens to all of us), I invite the client to stand in the other’s shoes, to see from the other’s eyes, and then to reauthor their story to incorporate, or at least consider, the story of the other.

As you think about your own experience as a coach of others in your life—your children, peers, direct reports, or friends—think about what model you use with them. What comes most naturally to you? What would you like to try? What do you think would be the most effective model for you as a client?

Simultaneity

May 18th, 2008

I spent the last two days with a bunch of really smart people in Seattle (Redmond actually) working with the joint processes of Appreciative Coaching and Asset-Based Thinking. As a follow up to a brief discussion about the Simultaneity Principle in Appreciative Inquiry and Appreciative Coaching (inquiry and change happen in the same moment), participant Jon Pincus suggested that there might be three elements to the principle rather than two . The third element might be asset creation or enhancement.

Thinking electronically about this, I find that we may have created at least three new assets over the two days our group was together. I’ll try to define these several assets.

One is community. When folks get together around an idea they are passionate about, they can bind with a kind of glue that is hard to create when the convening principle is rank, or location, or even mutual need. We were together because we believe that change can happen more effectively and enthusiastically when we think about ourselves and our world in terms of possibilities and commonalities rather than problems and deficits. We also believe that teaching, coaching, and enabling this worldview has the potential to let loose an avalanche of pent up energy in people all over the world.

Another asset we created was the seed of a business. This business may reside in one company, three or twenty, but spreads the word in sales, schools, business and individual coaching about how our energy can by magnified to include many more people in the asset-based worldview.

The last asset I think of in this moment is love. When I think of this group, what now holds us together is more than respect, more than admiration for our good brains, more than hope, or gratitude–although all of these are present. For me, what now binds us is the asset of love.

What Eliot and Silda Spitzer teach us about coaching

March 12th, 2008

Governor (of New York) Eliot Spitzer has come down off of his self-righteous high horse this week. I guess it is more truthful to say that he has been knocked witless off of the horse. Don’t get me wrong. I have appreciated his knight in shining armor persona, and, as someone who worked peripherally on Wall Street for seven years, have cheered his every toppling of abusive and greedy investment executives and companies. Lest we all forget that we are human, however, it is best for all of us, including Governor Spitzer, to remember that too much holier than thou speechifying is not becoming to the species. We all have feet of clay.

Then there is the wife of Eliot Spitzer, the beautiful, brilliant (by all accounts), and accomplished Silda Wall Spitzer. She has out-earned him, and perhaps in her own way even out-accomplished him. Women in the press are wondering aloud or at least a-print why she, looking as haggard and shocked as the rest of us, would submit to his public confession, would “stand by her man” as Hilary and others have done before her. Isn’t it time for women to end the perception that it is OK for their husbands, partners, or intimate buddies to do really stupid stuff and they’ll just smile wanly and keep the family together?

And what in heaven’s name could I have up my sleeve about coaching in all this? It is this: coaching begins where we are. In this case, Eliot Spitzer is at a horrible crossroads in his career. Perhaps he is at the end of his political career. Let’s say for the sake of imagining that Governor (perhaps by the time you read this, ex-Governor) Spitzer comes to you for coaching. What do you discover together in your first session? Surely you would notice the vast crusading he has done against many kinds of corporate greed, and the successes he has had, at least in part due to his single-minded focus and perhaps outsized ego. Ego works for good as well as evil. Then you would notice his evident pain. What will he do with this pain of shame and horror at having been discovered doing monumentally stupid stuff, and at having done it, of course? Would you be able to empathize rather than to judge?

And then suppose that Silda Spitzer came to you. What would you discover with her? Would you recognize the resources she has to bring to this unique situation? Would you affirm that her skills as a lawyer, mother, and scholar can be applied in this time of perhaps unequaled rage and hurt? Would you acknowledge the rage and hurt and by doing this help her to stay with these uncomfortable feelings so that she can make good decisions about what’s best for her, and then for her family?

It is way too easy to posture over sex scandals such as this one. Eliot Spitzer has made a career out of just such posturing. When we discover that he did not meet his own standards of behavior (and none of us do all of the time), and that he put at least three other people (his wife and three daughters) in jeopardy because he ignored or flaunted his own standards, we can posture or we can look inward at the ways in which we have not met our own standards. Coaching as managers, parents, teachers, and counselors requires this inward look so that we might effectively aid the wrongdoer, in this case Eliot Spitzer, to acknowledge his acts, be responsible and accountable for them to others, forgive himself, and rebuild his life. We might also then empathize with the victim, Silda Spitzer in this case, and help her to find a reasonable way to separate herself from the carnage without necessarily losing or leaving those she loves.

Happiness Stories

February 14th, 2008

Dear coaches and folks interested in positive processes,

I’ve begun another book, and it is about happiness and well-being. The chapter I’m currently working on seems to need some stories and so I offer you the opportunity, and ask for your help in creating stories of a time when you knew you were especially happy. The length of the story might be anywhere from a paragraph to a page, your choice. If you are interested, please post your stories below as response to this blog entry. No pressure. Do this only if it makes you happy! I will credit you in the book if I use the story, or use a pseudonym if you prefer.

Here are some thought starters:

Describe a time when you knew you were especially happy…

What was going on (describe the scene as best you can)…

Who was involved (were you alone or with someone else)…

Has this scene or occasion of happiness ever been repeated (is this something you do regularly, or more than once, like mountain climbing or your work)…

What are the elements of the time you are describing that particularly contribute to your happiness (family, achievement, new sox)…

Thanks for your willingness to read this, and perhaps to play.

 

Time Management

February 14th, 2008

What does time management have to do with positive processes? Well, I can tell you that I, for one, feel a lot more positively about my life when I’m not stepping over piles in my office and when my bills are paid on time. I have found David Allen’s book Getting Things Done particulary helpful in seeing the big picture of organizing my time and my stuff. He writes that there are five stages of mastering workflow.

  • 1. Collect things that command your attention
    • a. Capture in containers (folders, notes on your planner, email alerts, voicemail reminders)
    • b. Use as few as you can get away with
    • c. Empty them frequently
  • 2. Process what they mean and what to do with them
    • a. What is actionable
    • b. If not actionable, trash, delegate, keep as reference
    • c. What is the next action
      • i. Do it
      • ii. Delegate it
      • iii. Defer it
  • 3. Organize the results
    • a. Calendars, list of projects
    • b. Reminders of next steps
    • c. Reminders of things you’re waiting for
  • 4. Review as options for what we choose to do
    • a. Weekly review
  • 5. DO
    • a. Criteria by which to decide what to do
      • i. Context- what you can do in the moment
      • ii. Time available
      • iii. Energy available
      • iv. Priority


Hope these are helpful in your work, your studies and your life. Allen’s book, available in paperback, is well worth your valuable time.